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by Shannon Frost Greenstein

I want to start by announcing, in NO uncertain terms, that it wasn’t just that I wanted to be able to have sex with a lot of women.

Let me repeat that. In no way, no way WHATSOEVER, did I introduce the concept of polygamy in order to have sex with a lot of women.

See, you have to understand. God spoke to me. He SPOKE to me, and, boy, are my ears hurting. And my heart is hurting, too. You know why? Because so few of my brothers and sisters are experiencing God’s love through the exalted practice of celestial plural marriage.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my desire to marry fourteen-year-old girls. I mean, where would you get that impression?

Polygamy is a sacred covenant. Just as God instructed Abraham to take Hagar and Keturah, I, too, received a divine revelation. Do you know what God said? Do you know what he said? He said, “If ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned; for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter into my glory.” It’s not like I want to be damned, you know?

I was directed to have Fanny Alger as my spiritual wife. It’s not like it was a choice or anything. It’s not like I was after sex with a hot piece of teenage ass.

That’s another thing. Do you really think I would do that to my first wife? I would NEVER put her through the pain of infidelity, the shame of learning about my sexual activity with another woman, the humiliation, the feelings of inferiority, the deception, if I had a choice. But this is God we’re talking about. God. Who can say no to him? This is a sacrifice for me, let’s not forget.

It’s totally, totally not that I was fucking around with a sixteen-year-old and got caught.

It’s not like I would MAKE UP a divine revelation, just to protect myself against all the men threatening to castrate me for sleeping with one of my own convert’s daughters. That’s emphatically not behavior becoming of a Man of God.

I mean, let’s look at my history. Let’s just take a look at what’s happened. After all, I was the one who saw the Angel Moroni. I found the golden plates on the Hill Cumorah. I found the seer stones, and I translated them, and just because I used to employ divining rods as my main source of income doesn’t mean I’m a charlatan with a sex addiction.

I’m sure you can agree, friends and countryman, that this is purely a misunderstanding. There’s no need for any castrating, no need for angry mobs … let’s just agree to trust me on this and go forth on our missions to bring the Book of Mormon to the nonbelievers.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have thirty women to impregnate.

Shannon Frost Greenstein resides in Philadelphia with her soulmate and impossibly beautiful son. She harbors an unhealthy interest in Game of Thrones, Friedrich Nietzsche, and the Hill Cumorah Pageant. Her work can be found on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Scary Mommy, WHYY’s Speakeasy, The Corvus Review, and a range of other publications. Just Google her.