SuperSurpriseDate.com

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

by Paul Beckman

I checked my email for her address (4th time) and rang the doorbell.

A redhead (I think) with her hair filled with rollers the size of flashlights answered the door.

“Lana?” I asked and she said yes.

“We both registered with SuperSurpriseDate last month and I’m here to tell you that I’m Pete, your SuperSurpriseDate for tonight.”

Lana’s hands flew to her rollers.

“Is this a bad time?” I asked.

Lana threw her arms wide open in a “What do you think?”

I figured she wanted a hug, so I stepped on her threshold and reached for her. She pulled back and I hugged air. “You don’t waste any time, do you?” she asked. “Come in and make yourself comfortable while I make myself decent.”

Lana returned, her red wavy hair caressing her shoulders, a new blouse, tight jeans and sneakers with lights.

“I’m sorry about the rollers,” she said.

“No problem. My sister used to roller her hair with orange juice cans and to tell you the truth it kind of turned me on. Every time I see a can of OJ I flash back to those days and get a twitch in my shorts.”

Lana closed her eyes and asked, “While you were rooting through my desk did you happen to see the pepper spray?”

I didn’t know how to answer so I asked her a question instead. “How many surprise dates have you been on?”

“About one every three days.”

“That’s surprising.”

“It’s supposed to be. So, what’s our surprise date you have planned?”

“It’s a surprise,” I said. “One you hopefully won’t forget but it does include Chuck E. Cheese.”

On the car ride over to Chuck E. Cheese she asked me if I’d ever been married.

Since I believe in truth I only fudged a little. “I got married fifteen years ago,” I told her.

“What happened?”

“Cheating,” I said.

“That must’ve been hard on you.”

“It was.”

“Did she end up marrying the guy she was having the affair with?”

“Oh. She wasn’t having the affair. I was.”

“Okay then, did you marry the woman you were having the affair with?”

“Yes.”

“How long did the marriage last?”

“We’re still married.”

“Then why are you out dating?”

“I don’t want to live without a wife until I find a new one.”

“Please take me back home.”

“Did you forget something? What about Chuck E. Cheese?”

“I forgot to tell you I’m a vegan.”

“Well we just won’t get cheese on the burgers.”

“I just got my period and want to go home and rest.”

“Are you flowing?”

“Why? Does that turn you on?”

“More than the OJ cans.”

“Here’s my house. Don’t call me again or I’ll report you for stalking.”

“I love the stalking game. We have so much in common.”

“Fuck off.”

“Feisty. I love feisty. You can bet you’ll be hearing from me.”


Paul Beckman’s latest collection of flash is Kiss Kiss (Truth Serum Press). He lives in Connecticut and curates the FBomb NY flash fiction reading series monthly.

Advertisements