by Steve Gergley
Miller’s Farm, Topine, NY, is seeking DEDICATED, CARING, RELIABLE, COMPASSIONATE, NON-JUDGMENTAL, OPEN-MINDED individuals for horse care help on local HAUNTED horse farm. (Position is perfect for college student or retired married couple looking to add fun/excitement to golden years.) This is NOT a joke or typo! Farm is inhabited by numerous spirit world entities/incorporeal beings that phased into this dimension following alien landing/divine encounter on farm acreage sometime around the year 1870.
Despite presence of weird beings, they pose NO DANGER WHATSOEVER to prospective workers. Most of them are lonely/scared to be in our universe, and they simply need the companionship of a COMPASSIONATE individual for a few minutes per day to comfort their suffering. As such, spending time with them (in the manner of a caring person visiting a sick child in the hospital) is a REQUIRED AND ESSENTIAL PART OF THIS JOB. IF YOU CANNOT/WILL NOT SPEND AT LEAST ONE HOUR PER DAY INTERACTING WITH INTER-DIMENSIONAL CREATURES/WEIRD BEINGS, THEN PLEASE DO NOT APPLY FOR THIS JOB. That being said, we do not expect applicants to know how to do this on their own, so we will train you on the best way to interact with our otherworldly friends. Like us, they each have their own endearing personalities and senses of humor, and some of them can take a while to “warm up” to new folks on the farm. (Some of them are many hundreds of years old and are quite set in their ways!)
In the case of any misunderstandings, at least ONE member of the Miller family will be present on farm acreage at all times, so there will always be someone around to help you. (This is guaranteed; during the alien landing/divine encounter of 1870, our ancestors were warned that the earth would blink out of existence if all members of the Miller family ever left the farm at the same time, so at least one of us will always be here no matter what.)
Other job duties include: taking care of horses, feeding, grooming, turn out, mucking stables.
MUST HAVE PREVIOUS HORSE EXPERIENCE. If you do NOT have horse experience, please do not apply for this job!
Applicants must be moderately fit/healthy. Must be able to walk over grass, mud, and uneven terrain for at least 1–2 hours per day. MUST HAVE GOOD EYESIGHT to spot places where ground has phased into other dimensions/universes. (These are not places you want to fall into! We might not be able to fish you out and return you to our world/dimension, so please only apply if you have good eyesight!) Must be able to reach, bend at waist/knees, lift at least ten pounds, perform routine stable chores.
Job type: part time (2–3 hrs/day, three days/week)
Starting salary: $10/hr
Experience: horse care (1–2 years min.), open mind, compassion, no prejudice or fear of inter-dimensional creatures/spirit world inhabitants/incorporeal beings
Serious candidates only
Steve Gergley is a writer and runner based in Warwick, New York. His fiction has appeared or is forthcoming in A-Minor, After the Pause, Barren Magazine, Maudlin House, Pithead Chapel, and others. In addition to writing fiction, he has composed and recorded five albums of original music. His fiction can be found at stevegergleyauthor.wordpress.com/. Twitter: @GergleySteve.